The end of immortality
I’ve reached a new stage in life. No more for me the youthful folly of believing oneself immortal which I’ve held onto for far too long in the misguided belief that I’m holding onto my youth. No, I’m feeling my age, a mere 38, but full of responsibilities which I haven’t been taking seriously enough. The wolves are baying at the door, and they haven’t had a taste of blood yet, but one day they’ll get a taste and they’ll be all over me and my beloved family.
My family is what sustains me. My family has led me to this point, where I leave behind the old me and embrace a new sensible Firegoat.
What will this new Firegoat be like? For a start, it will open letters even when they look like frightening bills. Next it will not smoke. Smoking is a waste of money, and makes the wolves excited. Next it will organise activities for the children. We’ve been making some progress, finally we’ve joined the library and get lots of pleasure from it, but absence of money halts any ideas we have of holidays, trips out, inviting people round for tea. This must end.
At all costs, I must resist turning into my mother, even while being more sensible than I currently am. She is a model of responsibility and sensibleness, to the point where frivolity and revolution are frowned on. £1 from the tooth fairy? It would’ve been sixpence in her day. But I must find a balance between being stupid and being her, and one that works for me.
A pension is something else I have neglected to arrange. I don’t know what I was thinking. Partly it was having no money. I’ve been in debt since I was at university in the 1980s and it’s only got worse since I got tangled up with a certain man. After a while, I realised whatever I did he’d go and spend anything he could on beer and little presents for the kids. Small amounts, but adding them up is scary. Once I realised it wasn’t in my control I gave up opening letters. Anyway, a pension was unaffordable, but also it was unimaginable that one day I’d be old and unable to work and that I’d need some income.
The new me will sort this out.
Passport, driving licence, other things I’ve been avoiding. Partly because they cost money, but also because, perhaps, they give me options and choices. I feel trapped, but I make my own trap by refusing to take on these simple jobs.
I do feel trapped. I feel like I’ve made personal compromises over the last few years. I’ve compromised to keep the family together, and to keep income coming in. Most of the time I can put this to the back of my mind, but sometimes I can’t. As I age, I wonder how I’ll see the compromises I’ve made, will I think they were worth making, or will I regret not having been more independent, or arguing more with people. Maybe every relationship is a compromise, I’ve written before about people’s bubbles, and I do recognise that no-one is truly there for me. I suppose I wish they were, but perhaps this is just an echo of the romantic childish fairy tales which have been so pervasive in our culture. I feel a sense of loss that no-one in my family of birth, no-one in my own growing family and no-one in my professional circle is empathetic to my needs, no-one knows me or even truly wants to. I do get nurtured though, and that is through friendships with mainly women which have developed over many years. With them I can really talk, be myself, examine my weaknesses and gain support that is not based on their own agendas and needs. And in return I can offer the same, which is what most of us women are doing for everyone around us all the time.
The other major compromise is about school. I hate my kids going to a school where they are bullied, and there is at atmosphere of bullying amongst the staff and between the school and parents. The bullying, I know, comes from the very top (Bush, Blair and co.) and rolls all the way to the bottom of the shitheap where my children find themselves trying to get an education. My son wants to go to university and finds he learns nothing at school. It’s a compromise too far and I’m desperately trying to work out how this can change.
The new Firegoat is trying to work out how many compromises she can manage, and how to break free from those that have already been made. The new Firegoat wants to live more responsibly, but also more honestly, as the trap she’s built for herself is damaging her. The compromises have been to keep others happy, but the cost is becoming too high.
My family is what sustains me. My family has led me to this point, where I leave behind the old me and embrace a new sensible Firegoat.
What will this new Firegoat be like? For a start, it will open letters even when they look like frightening bills. Next it will not smoke. Smoking is a waste of money, and makes the wolves excited. Next it will organise activities for the children. We’ve been making some progress, finally we’ve joined the library and get lots of pleasure from it, but absence of money halts any ideas we have of holidays, trips out, inviting people round for tea. This must end.
At all costs, I must resist turning into my mother, even while being more sensible than I currently am. She is a model of responsibility and sensibleness, to the point where frivolity and revolution are frowned on. £1 from the tooth fairy? It would’ve been sixpence in her day. But I must find a balance between being stupid and being her, and one that works for me.
A pension is something else I have neglected to arrange. I don’t know what I was thinking. Partly it was having no money. I’ve been in debt since I was at university in the 1980s and it’s only got worse since I got tangled up with a certain man. After a while, I realised whatever I did he’d go and spend anything he could on beer and little presents for the kids. Small amounts, but adding them up is scary. Once I realised it wasn’t in my control I gave up opening letters. Anyway, a pension was unaffordable, but also it was unimaginable that one day I’d be old and unable to work and that I’d need some income.
The new me will sort this out.
Passport, driving licence, other things I’ve been avoiding. Partly because they cost money, but also because, perhaps, they give me options and choices. I feel trapped, but I make my own trap by refusing to take on these simple jobs.
I do feel trapped. I feel like I’ve made personal compromises over the last few years. I’ve compromised to keep the family together, and to keep income coming in. Most of the time I can put this to the back of my mind, but sometimes I can’t. As I age, I wonder how I’ll see the compromises I’ve made, will I think they were worth making, or will I regret not having been more independent, or arguing more with people. Maybe every relationship is a compromise, I’ve written before about people’s bubbles, and I do recognise that no-one is truly there for me. I suppose I wish they were, but perhaps this is just an echo of the romantic childish fairy tales which have been so pervasive in our culture. I feel a sense of loss that no-one in my family of birth, no-one in my own growing family and no-one in my professional circle is empathetic to my needs, no-one knows me or even truly wants to. I do get nurtured though, and that is through friendships with mainly women which have developed over many years. With them I can really talk, be myself, examine my weaknesses and gain support that is not based on their own agendas and needs. And in return I can offer the same, which is what most of us women are doing for everyone around us all the time.
The other major compromise is about school. I hate my kids going to a school where they are bullied, and there is at atmosphere of bullying amongst the staff and between the school and parents. The bullying, I know, comes from the very top (Bush, Blair and co.) and rolls all the way to the bottom of the shitheap where my children find themselves trying to get an education. My son wants to go to university and finds he learns nothing at school. It’s a compromise too far and I’m desperately trying to work out how this can change.
The new Firegoat is trying to work out how many compromises she can manage, and how to break free from those that have already been made. The new Firegoat wants to live more responsibly, but also more honestly, as the trap she’s built for herself is damaging her. The compromises have been to keep others happy, but the cost is becoming too high.
posted by Firegoat @ 4:39 pm
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